Amma Remembered... A Eulogy

Pankajam Rajaram (1932-2017)

Translated by

My daughter,Akshaya Krishnaswamy

( To Read Original post written by me, in Tamil : refer my earlier post)






2:00 AM August 15th, 2017,Canada


“Amma is very serious” said my younger sister over call. It was the wee hours of the morning. 2 am here in Ottawa, Canada. No words could describe my emotions and feelings. I kept the phone down and felt helpless as reality reminded me that we were thousands of miles away. My daughter quickly changed and suggested that we take a walk to clear our mind. We went for a walk and came back after an hour and went back for a walk again not wanting to stay in the house, feeling restless.  After few hours the worst news came.  A period of restlessness began to swamp me with my not being able to make peace with the fact that I couldn't be there in India with my mom and most importantly to share my grief with my siblings, except whom, the magnitude of my feelings cannot be shared with. Afterwards, I spoke to all my siblings in a video call and later I had to find the outstanding ability to accept the truth.


"You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble? Your father is alive in you Harry, and shows himself plainly ......" I recalled these words of Dumbledore in Harry potter.

It gave me some comfort. I couldn't agree more.

Ours is a big family. we are 8 in number. Four boys and Four girls. We were never short of cheer and laughter. We didn't belong to a prosperous family nor did we thrive in abundance. Though we never  suffered from scarcity or dearth of resources or happiness. Just like how all middle-class family functioned my father worked to earn a living. If my family were a country, My Mother (Pankajam Rajaram) was our Finance Minister, allocating budgets and reasoning redemption and benefits for all of us. She dexterously managed family expenses and managed to provide education to all eight of us, something that millennials could only dream of in today's circumstances. My parents never taught us right from wrong. They led us by example, which allowed us to experience truth and moral integrity. My parents always believed values cannot be taught, they need to be realized.



As I walked down the memory lane, an incident that I remember quite vividly even today was when a container with hot rice starch toppled over my mom's legs, while she was preparing meal for us. We conveniently took into confidence that our mom could somehow manage everything at once: Prepare us for school, run everyday chores, all at once. While we waited in the hall for my mom to come out of the kitchen to plait all our hairs, she dipped her legs in a bucket of water, to relieve her from the burning sensation she was fighting with and plaited all our hairs. She helped us to get ready for school, placing her need to tend to legs and give herself first aid, at backseat. As we stood there waiting for our turn completely oblivious, our minds perfectly escaped the thought of what could have possibly made her to dip her legs in water.



Amma has never thought of just herself, she always put others first and herself behind. In another instance, when I was doing my third grade, my dad's friend had returned from then Maleya(now : Malaysia) and got my mother a pair of red shimmering sandals. My sister Malathy and I started walking with it right since the moment he left. How is it possible for a kid to wear an elder person’s shoes, you may ask. My mom did too. We told her it perfectly fit our foot. Apparently only in our minds. She laughed and let us play with it. We started walking with it, walk the talk with it, walked with it to glory, until the slippers gave away and couldn't be used anymore. Now that I think, she never wore those slippers that were gifted to her. We never let her.



The fact that my mom made time to read despite all her daily chores all while bringing up 8 children was a wonder. She was an avid reader who enjoyed reading novels and used to discuss the narrative orthodoxly. This resulted in reading habit instilled in all of us. I’m proud that all of us have managed to pass the habit down to our children. In an age where we find people making excuses for not finding enough time to read, my mom made us realize it's not about finding time, it is about making time.



I believe reading refines and streamlines one's thoughts. If reading was a habit, writing is certainly a talent and I found her with pen and paper often, writing stories and that's something which did not stop up until a week ago. She had the habit of writing when she was happy or when she was going through a tough time. Poetry was among her latest interests. When my dad's sister passed away, she felt bad that she couldn't travel to be there for the funeral, she expressed herself in a foot long poem, showed me which I later posted in the our family WhatsApp group. As someone who could write, I always found her writing to be very mature which allowed me to glimpse into her depth of observation. She gifted another poem when my sister's daughter got married last year.



Clearly this was a trait that seem to run down the family, thanks to my mom. I used to write to weekly magazines and my passion for writing made me choose journalism as my profession. My brother Balaji ran a fortnightly handwritten magazine 'Udhayam' during his college days. My brother Kannan a.k.a Acharya Ravi entered cinema and writes dialogues and stories.



My mom had interest in many genres. During our childhood days, She used to finish all her day to day household chores and then sit to read. After we grew up, she retired from all duties which gave her plenty more time to read. She had a shelf full of favorite books in her room back in Bangalore at my brother's place. Deivathin kural, Arthamulla hindu madham and the Bible were few amongst several books ranging various genres. She wanted to read The Quran too, used to tell me that she wanted to explore everything. It was not just novels that she found her interest in, she kept herself updated about daily news and happenings. My cousin's wife (my Amma's sister's daughter in law) Usha Murali fondly remembered the times when my mom visits my perima and how all my cousins and their children used to sit around my mom excitedly listening to her talking about topics across various fields. She describes her a "walking encyclopedia"


In her early days, she liked the writings of V.M Kodhainaayagi Ammal, Vaduvoor Duraisaami Iyengar. I have seen her face lit up when she speaks of Kodhainaayagi ammal's 'Indra Mohana' and 'Vaidhegi'. During 60s to 70s She author Lakshmi’s writings happened to be her keen interest. During 80's it was Vaasanthi and Shivashankari. When Vaasanti became the Editor in India Today, Tamil Edition, (I was the Deputy copy editor in India Today Tamil) my mom wanted to speak to her about her novels, So I arranged a brief meet for my mom's that she could talk to Vaasanthi.

My mom liked yesteryear actor Bhanumathi. She was impressed by her roles that exhibited shades of arrogance. That was the reason she named me after her. Later when I was in India Today I happened to call actor Bhanumathi once for an interview during which I told her about the story behind my name and she was genuinely interested and happy and asked more about my mom.

In another instance my nephew Vinodh, who was an ardent Balakumaran fan. He had written a letter to Balakumaran requesting an appointment.He had mentioned about my mom wanting to meet him as well since she was also a fan of Balakumaran. When my nephew spoke with him over phone, Balakumarann had asked how old my mom was. After coming to know that she was 70. He graciously said that a 70 year old shouldn't come over to meet him and that he would come over himself. It was a great deal that he managed to visit our home that was on the 3rd floor without elevators especially at a time after his bypass surgery, surely, did not cease to amaze us.


My mom was quite known for her boldness courage and not to mention her sense of humour (her frequently used phrases ' Periya jilla collectora' and 'Ooorai allum maharaja va'). Her conviction on various subjects of discussion that often reflected in her bold voice, made it impossible to disagree to. Her boldness earned her great respect among relatives.


While Amma had keen interest in reading and writing, she enjoyed cooking.Her sundakaai, manathkaali vathal kuzhmabu, karunai kizhangu masiyal are noteworthy dishes that demonstrated her culinary skills. My daughter often asked me to call Amma and ask her for the milagu kuzhambu recipe as it's her favorite off all that her paati cooks. My brother Balaji's friend Ravikumar, who called me after years last year did not fail to mention the lasting impression that Amma 's veppampoo rasam had created.


Amma, even at 86, never suffered from any health complications. The last three years that led us to face three family members departing their souls, created a deep wound that's difficult to heal, although that never made her stop reading. She regularly read all my blog posts and I used to look forward to her reading my posts, followed by discussing it in length over phone.


Now, as I am about to publish this post/eulogy on her, I can't help but feel how this blog has lost its favorite visitor/commentator.